sex topics to write about

- [jen] today was a lot of fun. - i had a great time. same thing tomorrow? - sure. - awesome.

sex topics to write about, (kisses) - and this is for you. (chuckles) (door shutting)

(paper rustling) - [voiceover] dear steven, i'm not sure you know who i am, but trust me, we'll becomewell acquainted soon enough. (swoosh) apologies in advance to your bed sheets. you know, blood stains areeasy to clean if you act fast. (upbeat music) (bag rustling)

for what it's worth, i'm deeply sorry. (exhales heavily) - okay. - [voiceover] i'm writing to inform you that i will be arriving at jen's apartment some time tomorrow morning. while i don't know the length of my stay, i can say that it'llprobably be in the range of five to seven days, give or take.

now, here's the deal. i don't know what it is about me, but for some reason, boyfriends act weird when i'm in town. (dramatic music) for example, there was marcus. he wasn't especially accommodating. - wow, really going totown there aren't you? - i'm hungry.

(laughs) - i can see that. what? somebody's sensitive today. - [voiceover] exhibitedsome signs of paranoia. - wanna put some pants on? - uh, no, why? - i mean i just got the car cleaned. - [voiceover] wasn't the biggest proponent

of privacy.- hey bro, there's no way i'm gonnabe able to go out tonight. no, you know who is on her you know what. no, no, it's her period bro, yeah. - [voiceover] a classic dick head. then there was ryan. - jennifer (door slams) i'm home. - oh my god, wine and ice cream? you got these for me?

- these are for me. - [voiceover] always a bitdramatic during my visits. if you didn't know any better, you'd think it was his time of the month. (dramatic music)(growling) - of all weeks, it had to be this week. i know you can't control it, but this is terrible timing for me. you know what the worst part is?

we can't even have sex! - no, no, no, we can. - no we can't. - yes we can. - no, it's impossible. - [voiceover] i suppose i was simply, too much to bare, but maybe you'll be different. maybe you'll make it through the cramps.

(rustling) (clicking) - you good? - yep. - [voiceover] the aches. (groaning) - hey, i was thinking we could, uh... - [voiceover] the acne. - hey, uh you about ready to go?

- yep, just gimme like five minutes. - [voiceover] the trips to the bathroom. - hey, i'm just gonna use the bathroom for like three to five hours, so. - [voiceover] more trips to the bathroom(toilet flushing) the shopping and hours upon hours of reality t.v. - [tv announcer] coming up on

keeping up with the kardashians, chloe gets to do a scuffle when ken. things get serious- [voiceover] just breathe. i know this might sound harsh, but here are three ground rules you must live by so youdon't (bleep) this up. excuse my french, i'm on my period. first and foremost, never complain. if you've got a problem

with your girlfriend's period, you can file a complaint with the international club ofwhiney little bitches, but last thing she wants to hear is how much(groaning) of an inconvenience(groaning) her period is to you.(groaning) number two. be helpful.

how? you can help by picking upsome tampons for your place. i'm not saying that youneed to frame the things for all your friends to see, just shove 'em in that bathroom cabinet that you haven't openedsince the last time you ran out of toilet paper. and last, if she wants to have sex, man up.

it's gonna make her feel better, it's gonna make you feel better, and if you're worried about leakage, there's these things called towels. i'm sure you can figure out how they work. look, i'm not asking you to be my friend, but trust me, accidents happen and if one does... (baby crying)

i'm going to be, the best friend you've ever had. sincerely, jen's period. (knocking) p.s. everything they sayabout chocolate is true. - [voiceover] yeah dude,she's still on her period. i'm walking around witha bucket under her legs. she keeps wearing skirts dude. (zooming)

(screaming) (swooshing) (squeaking)